Using the Teachings of Ti Kwan Leep to improve Poker Skills

I feel there is wisdom to be gained from implementing the Teachings of Ti Kwan Leep to poker as I explain below.

Teacher: Approach, students. Close the circle at the feet of the master. You have come to me asking that I be your guide along the path of Ti Kwan Leep. But, be warned: To learn its ways, you must learn the ways of your own soul. Let us meditate upon this wisdom now. So: Aaaaaaooooommm……
Student1 (Ed Gruberman): Uh, sir! Sir! (oo! oo!) Sir!
Teacher: Who disturbs our meditation, as a pebble disturbs the stillness of the pond?
EG: Me! Ed Gruberman?
Teacher: E-Ed Gruberman?
EG: Yeah, uh, no disrespect or nothin’, but, like, uh, how long is this gonna take?
Teacher: Ti Kwan Leep is not a path to a door, but a road leading forever towards the horizon.
EG: So like, what, an hour or so?

Ed Gruberman is the classic Donkey. He wants the quick win, make 100x his investment, quickly.

Teacher: No, no, we have not even begun upon the path. Ed Gruberman, you must learn patience.
EG: Yeah yeah yeah, patience. How long will that take?
Teacher: Time has no meaning. To a true student, a year is as a day.
EG: A YEAR??? I wanna beat people up right now! I got the pajamas! Hah woo yah ooomm!
Teacher: “Beat people up”…?
EG: Yeah! Just show me all those nifty moves so I can start trashing bozos! That’s all I came here for! YO ASTA STA STA!!! Pretty good, ey?

The Donkey has read a few books but hasn’t really retained the most of the information. Likes to slow playing his Aces when there are 5 limpers ahead of him. Since Doyle has won a few events with T2o, he will play similar cards.

Teacher: The only use of Ti Kwan Leep is self-defense. Do you know who said that? Ki Lo Ni, the great teacher.
EG: Yeah? Well the best defense is a good offense, you know who said that? Mel, the cook on “Alice”.

The Donkey is aggressive..

Teacher: No, um…Ti Kwan Leep is the wine of purity, not the vinegar of hostility. Meditate upon this truth with us. Aaaaoooommm…
EG: Listen, shrimp! All this fag talk is really starting to piss me off. Now, are you gonna show me some fancy moves, or am I gonna start wapin’ the walls with you?
Teacher: Ed Gruberman, you fail to grasp Ti Kwan Leep. Approach me that you might see.
EG: All right! Finally some action!

The Donkey thinks his trap has been set; he is ready to bring in a big pot… re-raises all in preflop with 94o..

Teacher: Observe closely, class. Boot to the Head! (SH-ZOOMP!)
EG (drunkenly): Owww! You booted me in the head!

The Donkey just got his junk kicked.

Teacher: You are lucky, Ed Gruberman. Few novices experience so much of Ti Kwan Leep so soon.
EG (quietly, to himself): Ow, oh, my head!
Teacher: Now we continue. Aaaaaoooommmm…
EG: Hey! Hey, I wasn’t ready! Come and get me now shorty, huh? Come on, are ya chicken?

The Donkey didn’t see the Professional coming; he had no idea what to expect. So he reloads and sets another trap.

Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)
EG (again, drunkenly): Oww! Okay, now I’m ready, okay, now, come on, try it now.
Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)
EG: Mind if I just lie down here for a minute?

The Donkey is out and has reloaded a few times, each time getting his junk kicked, with nothing to show for his donktastic ways.

Teacher: Now class, we shall return to our…
Student2: Master?
Teacher: It is wrong to tip the vessel of knowledge, student.
Student2: Many apologies, master. But I feel Ed Gruberman is not wholly wrong.

There are many forms of a Donkey, but only one name..

Teacher: What do you mean?
Student2: I want to boot some head, too.
Teacher: Have you learned nothing from the lesson of Ed Gruberman?
Student2: Yes, master. I have learned two things. First, that anger is a weapon only to one’s opponent.
Teacher: Very good.

This Donkey knows that tilt is bad. Tilt is a weapon to your opponents..

Student2: And secondly, get in the first shot. Boot to the head. (SH-ZOOMP!)

Again the Donkey is correct, taking a first stab at pot may be enough for you to take it down…

Teacher: You missed.

Sometimes making the first stab, if you make a move with crap against a player who based on his playing style could have hit that flop very hard, you dig yourself a hole..

Student2: Uh, yeah. Well…
Teacher: You too shall be honored to learn a lesson…
Student2: You don’t have to, you know. I-I gotta be going…
Teacher: Boot to the head! (SH-ZOOMP!)
Student2: (agonizing pain) Oyyy oy oyyyy…. Oh….

Once again, Junk Kicked In..

Teacher: Can anyone tell us what lesson has been learned here?
Student3: Uh, yes, master. Not a single one of us could defeat you.
Teacher: You gain wisdom, child.

The Professional player has a lot of experience and more tools than the Donkey…

Student3: So we’ll hafta gang up on ya! Get ‘IM guys!

But even the Professional will have a hard time against a table full of Donkies…

(Teacher throws many ‘Boot to the head!s’ and ‘SH-ZOOMP!s’. There are many people groaning in pain.)
Teacher: And now class, let us rejoin the mind to the body and gaze into the heart of the candle in meditation.
Unison: Aaaaaoooommm….
Teacher: Very good, class.

With focus and patience, the Professional will prevail.

This Donkey is on a road leading forever towards the horizon….

tags: funny, poker